many of you know, I’m working on a FLORIDA MAN novel. Gary is in
jail for trying to beat a restaurant bill by dumping a life nutria on
the table. For those who do not know what is a nutria, it’s an
invasive water rat.
tried to sleep on the floor against the wall, Earl sitting next to
him, when the deputies brought in some hepped up board punks who’d
been caught spraying swastikas on the local synagogue.
slept fitfully, wakened numerous times by beefs, splats, squeals,
raps and smacks.
woke at one am to the dulcet tones of an aspiring rapper.
dong is long. My shlong is strong. Let it feed like an eagle eating
an eagle in the weed.”
Gary saw the hip-hop artist, a gawky black kid in chinos and an
artfully ripped Tupac muscle shirt.
don’t even make sense!” a man bellowed from a bench.
want to test me, broheem?” the rapper said. “Step right up. I
ain’t what I seem.”
these dulcet tones and others, Gray drifted off to sleep.
shook him by the shoulder. He woke with a start to find a young man
wearing a rough blue cotton Armani suit, a blazing white shirt with
the collar outside the suit jacket, and black Brunos, reeking of Paco
Rabanne. He had a fashionable three day stubble on his handsome chin,
and rich black hair.
Duba?” he said. “Mr. Duba?”
sat up and looked around. Where was Earl?
man seemed comfortable on his haunches. “I’m Sid Saidso. I’m a
programming executive with Netflix. I’ve been following your
exploits and I’d like to talk to you about possibly doing your own
sat up, rubbing his eyes. “My exploits?”
Saidso’s smile was like a thousand watt bulb. “Since the lottery!
I’m executive producer on What’s Your Snoblem, which is in
its second season, and Barfalo, which debuts in November and
stars Bruce Willis and Brie Larson.”
bulimic buffalo terrorizes settlers in eighteen eighties Nebraska.
But never mind about that. I believe in deep preparation. I’m not a
drive-by guy. I know how you won the lottery. I know about the
alligator in the pool. You were on that plane that exploded. They
said it was filled with scorpions.”
You’re a fascinating dude. Your wife is even more famous. Sponsors
would pay plenty to feature your exploits. It won’t be cheap. It
won’t be exploitative. I respect what you do.”
scratched his head. “What do I do?”
what we’ll find out.”
Saidso dipped in his jacket and extended a blinding white card
between his exquisitely manicured first and second fingers. Gary took
it. It showed the black silhouette of Charlie Chaplin dancing with
his umbrella, and said,
LOS ANGELES AND ROME
was a website, an email address and two international phone numbers.
Gary tucked it in his front pocket.
are you doing in here?”
heard you were in here and slugged the first cop I could find.”
regarded Sid Saidso. “Dubious.”
grinned. “Kidding! They said I was veering all over the street. Now
I ask you. Do I seem the slightest bit impaired to you?”
held his right hand out like the head of a snake, steady and level to
you see a big guy? Looks like Li’l Abner?”
I just got here. Here’s what I’m thinking. My team will follow
you around. They’re very unobtrusive. You won’t even notice them.
They use drones. We’ll wire your house to the extent that you’ll
allow. I’m looking at either forty-four of fifty-six minutes to be
aired weekly. I believe I can get you a seven figure deal.”
counted on his fingers.
know Roebuck Simms bailed you out of jail, but I don’t know why. I
think I can get him on the show.”
know about Steely Danielle?”
was there! I tried to talk to you then but some thug kept getting in
six foot seven Jamaican transsexual. Not that there’s anything
wrong with that.”
why ain’tchoo bail us out?”
me, my lawyer is on the way. As soon as I’m out, you’re out. By
the way. The nutria.” Saidso made the ‘OK’ figure with thumb
and forefinger. “Brilliant. I even have a nutria wrangler.”
guard named O’Malley who looked like El Capitan in Yosemite came
back. “Duba, let’s go. You’re bailed out.”
followed Gary to the gate. “How do I get in touch with you?”
waited in the reception area. Gary collected his things and signed
for bailing me out.”
can I say, I’m sentimental. Also, I have three properties need new